The HaPenis Project

For me, “bisexual” doesn’t describe a sexual biography like mine, nor does “gay,” so I’d rather just not bother to have any label at all. Except maybe, “really likes sex, which used to be one kind (though always tempted by the other), now definitely the other. Always loved to masturbate, which is also a kind of sex!” That’s way too many words for a label! My awakening to sex, apart from my own discovery of my own cock, was thanks to an older boy in high school. We became passionate lovers! My parents found out about my “gay” affair and sent me off to boarding school in England (What??? Talk about throwing Brer Rabbit into the briar patch!). But I didn’t make any progress there as a “gay,” although I did masturbate a lot in the woods. When I returned to the US from my year of sexual banishment and reform, I got into girls, like, really into them, mouth, nose, tongue and cock, the lot. But at the same time I continued having wonderfully powerful fantasies about sex with men. Suddenly, I would want to have sex with a particular man I knew and would get really close to doing so. But I never did. Just didn’t. Coward! Three marriages, five kids, and hundreds of homosexual fantasies later, I finally started having glorious, actual sex with actual men, with cocks large and small, in my early fifties. And here I am on HaPenis today, many, many torrid affairs with men and some very weird and wonderful hook-ups with cross-dressers later, happily sharing, in very abbreviated form, my story with you, my HaPenis brothers. But my question, in response to this post, is this: Is my story the story of a “bisexual” man? Can I be “bi” if I’m not having both kinds of sex at the same time, now one, now the other, so that there’s something binary about my sexual behaviour? I never behaved that way, except maybe one or two times. Or am I just an “alternating bisexual” (I looked that label up), “alternating” from one man, to many women, to many men? Nah, not really, because while I was really into women, I was having simultaneous fantasies about having sex with men that were just as meaningful for me as the actual sex with women. But that would make me a “heterosexual with gay fantasies,” not a “bisexual.” Or a “spectral-hetero-bisexual” perhaps? And now I’m just voraciously, exclusively “gay” in my sexual behaviour, but not in my lifestyle, which is to all appearances “heterosexual.” And I’m not really in the closet, since I’ve let lots of people I know that I’m “gay,” but not everyone. Again, hard to pin down who and what I am. I SHOULD BE CONFUSED! But you know what, I’m not in the slightest! I’m just me and I love it, now that I’m finally gay, though living as a heterosexual … I give up. Fuck the labels! – AJ