I can very much identify with men who have taken a long time to finally accept who they are. I’m a case in point. Growing up in mid-century Canada, there was no such thing as “gay”. It simply didn’t exist. I married my high school sweetheart. She was beautiful and loving. She loved children, as did I and we started a family soon after we married. Along the way, we lost what we had between us, with me still trying to figure out who the hell I was. Twenty years and five kids later we separated, with me moving to a nearby city so I could still see my kids. Unbeknownst to me, I took up residence right next door to the gay ‘hood! I developed life long friendships, which I never had while married. I credit those men with helping me figure out the man I was meant to be. Out at 45 yrs old. Better late than never. – Leo
Hi Leo, yes I believe we are fortunate men, life is a journey and we have not been afraid to venture along a less trodden path and in doing so finding somewhere that we actually belong with total acceptance and brotherhood, not always easy but nirvana-like. – Stephen
I was born in 1977 and I have always perceived myself as gay..But when you are a child it seems to be “natural” until society and family (already in adolescence) find homosexuality abhorrent, and our “SELF” goes into a tailspin..Even though we never had When I interact with women, I see that there are gay men who are married and have families, are unhappy and have extramarital affairs..Which for me is abominable..
Exercising your essence and sexuality is an act of self-LOVE…
André
Hi André,
I want to comment on your post as a person who has always been attracted to men, but also to women, has been married to women three times, has been unhappy and frustrated sexually, and has for fifty years had extra-marital fantasies and then affairs with men. I don’t think any aspect of my life has been or is “abominable.” Or if my life has been, or I am, I don’t think you or anyone else has found the formula for a life that isn’t full of contradictions, failures, infidelities, and unhappiness. Yes, I agree, loving yourself is central to living a fulfilling life. But it’s not the magic password to a life that doesn’t involve lots of unhappiness. I would strike the word “abominable” from your vocabulary unless you’re talking about The Russian invasion of the Ukraine, the Israeli war in Gaza, what is happening to British rivers, or the mythical snowman.
Thank you AJ that is very well put and was my reaction reading André’s comment. From my own experience and also that of others, coming out of a heterosexual relationship as gay at any age is difficult. Is there a single man who valiantly wakes up one day a says to his partner that he is ending it because he is attracted to men, and this the important part, has not committed this abominable adultery. How would you know to sacrifice everything if you had not tried it and knew with certainty that it was you. From the luxury of being born in later generations it is likely that you may have had the opportunity to explore sexuality without shame or fear, something that many men were unable to even contemplate, let alone act upon. There is something about cheating on a woman with a man that seems less abominable than cheating on her with a better looking, younger version or simply the novelty of a different style of fuck. It is wholly conceivable to remain utterly faithful to a female partner while enjoying sex with men, or even consensual non monogamy which can be practiced by heters too. It is Christianity which determines it an abomination and indeed got us into this mess in the first place.
Thank you Stephen. You put it even better than I do. Abomination, “a thing that causes disgust or loathing,” has very Christian overtones to my ear too! I’m also interested by your comment about cheating on your wife with a man. This is pretty much exactly how I have always experienced myself, as having two selves, the married-to-my-wife one and the sexual-want-a-man one, that co-exist happily in parallel universes. I’m much happier now that I’m actually having sex with men (just had some great sex a few minutes ago with a hairy-chested, well-built 50-something guy) than I was when I only had fantasies to enjoy. I don’t honestly know how I would feel if my marriage was open and my sex/love life with men, next to my marriage, was known to all, including my wife. She “knows” but she doesn’t know, and we have an extremely mutually supportive and loving relationship. I think my bottom line, which I’ve expressed often, is that that there are so many ways to configure happy relationships, with or without a sexual component, monogamous or polygamous, why bother to label them? Labels just set up boundaries that acquire gate-keepers and policemen, and before you know it you’ve been arrested, tried and convicted of an “abomination.” Adam and Eve stuff.
A.J I expressed myself poorly, my sincere apologies for using that word..
André
Thank you, André, that’s very kind of you to reply. I meant nothing personal about you in my response. That word just set me off! I sense that what you were trying to say is that it’s upsetting to see men trapped in situations that make them unhappy. I agree. This site is giving all of us a place to try putting our feelings into words, work things out, and feel better about ourselves and our bodies. We’re on the same page!
Yes AJ, I have met and know several examples like this… And being in a relationship (homo or hetero) without your partner knowing about your extramarital relationships is painful…
Having your partner’s connivance, or even separating and living your life with another man/woman is liberating..Or staying in this relationship but with your partner aware that other partners are allowed is also loving and caring..
Thank you AJ for your answer, and yes, we are on a blog to disagree, sometimes make mistakes, often agree… The important thing is that there is communication and mutual respect…
Thanks friend AJ
André
It sounds as if you have been cheated on André, that is never a good experience, it hurts… a lot. Being able to move on is essential and that was the point I was grappling with in relation to cumming out. I just don’t know why it seems different to cheat for the opposite sex – cheating nonetheless. Is it that it is something your partner cannot offer, rather than being merely a variety of the same. But unless carefully negotiated with ethics, it still hurts.
Take care mate.
I was fortunately blessed by growing up just a few years later than Leo, though I was a kid in the 1950s. There were occasions when, because of various events, I was introduced to women that even as a child I could tell were ‘different’ – but how or why I did not know. I was shy and quiet and I remember one of those women that we’d meet once a year, always looking at me in a knowing kind of way. She could see then in me what I had no idea about at all. Moving onward to my mid-teens, I left school, went to work and slowly became more outgoing, less shy but I was to some extent still an innocent in many ways. Not so innocent that I had not discovered the delights of cruising the local public toilets and as a nice-looking red haired 16 year old ……. I had plenty of fun. But there was that assumption out there that one would get a girl friend and that would eventually lead down the inevitable route. I’d had no childhood or school days sweetheart but there were girls with whom I met at work that I got along with and whose company I enjoyed but the idea of something more (I never even got as far as the ‘holding hands’ stage) was a route I was wary off, and yes, a route I was shy of taking and yet I was happy to let a man suck my penis…..!! There was one girl that I really liked, we got along well, but then a chance comment during a walk in our lunch break one day and alarm bells went off in my head. It was all too clear where she wanted our friendship to lead. I gave thanks at that moment for the fact that I had already made plans to leave home and go and live in London, where I knew I could become the real me. I can see how easy it could be to follow that expected path, do the things that you are expected to do and end up very unhappy. I certainly would have been. Clive
Hi Leo
Nice story and yes the reality of many Canadian men. Glad you had a chance to experiment and see how beautiful it can be. Be happy.
Well written, Leo.
I’m in my mid-sixties and only just realised who I am. I very much empathise.
I realise it’s very late on for me but glad I discovered the “true me”.
Am older and getting in touch with my gay side only now. Thanks for sharing.
-Peter
Hi Leo, yes I believe we are fortunate men, life is a journey and we have not been afraid to venture along a less trodden path and in doing so finding somewhere that we actually belong with total acceptance and brotherhood, not always easy but nirvana-like.