The HaPenis Project

I was 23 when I got married. This was before the internet, before being gay was acceptable. By the age of 23 I had a lot of heterosexual encounters. I knew I really liked fucking women, eating pussy. I could cum multiple time a night and not get tired of eating and fucking pussy. But when in NYC, in Greenwich Village, I had the opportunity to see gay porn magazine. I bought my first one at 20, it was a publication called First Hand, it was small enough to hide inside the pages of a standard size sports magazine and I would read it in the park, or on the subway, it was accounts of men’s first time having sex with other men. It made me hard as a rock. I bought it because seeing muscular good looking macho men on the cover of gay porn magazines made me aroused. When good looking men with prominent bulges gave me a double take on the street, I got hard. When I was in the gym, showering, I would sneak peeks at other guy’s dicks because I wanted to touch one and feel another man. Something about me made me interested in men as sex objects. I was 21 when I got my first blowjob from a man. He was about my age, on the subway late at night, as was I, and we were alone in the train car. He would look at me and rub his crotch as he sat with his legs spread. I was wearing nylon shorts and a T-shirt. I knew he was coming on to me and I wanted him to. I gathered up all my courage and went to stand in from of him, holding onto the rail above his head, the extension of my arms causing my shirt to ride up, exposing my abdomen and hair. He reached up and grab my half hard dick through my nylon shorts, no underwear. I was hard instantly. He took my cock out and into his mouth. I had been sucked many times by girls my age, but having a guy’s mouth engulf my entire dick made my head as well as my cock explode. I came instantly and he gulped and kept sucking until we pulled into the next stop. As soon as the doors chimed and opened I jumped out, desperate to get away from what I did, from what it meant. So you’re 21.

Was I gay? No because I was a certified heterosexual. But I sneaked-read gay porn and jerked off to it. I willingly let a man suck my cock on a train and couldn’t even control my instant pleasure. Was I gay? Almost 40 years late I still don’t know. I have had hundreds of sexual encounters with men – 2 so far this week. But I don’t feel emotional about men. I fall in love with women. I like sex with my wife, but it’s different than having sex with men. I feel closer and warmer after sex with my wife. It feels good. I can bask in that afterglow for hours. After I fuck a man’s ass or mouth, I put the gay me away, I don’t think about men for days, until I get horny again, and sometimes I try real hard to stop. I am friendly with gay men and know many in my profession, but they are annoying as fuck, the younger they are the more annoying their culture is. Straight men have been emasculated by society, gay young men are practically girls. I got married, have kids, I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for all the gold in the world. But I live with the fear of being found out. I live with the fear of catching an STD from a strange guy that I hook up with. I live with secret shame and anxiety. You are 21 – its a different world. Explore it and decide what you are. Embrace the gay if you are because now its normal. Your family will accept it or they won’t. I know dozens of straight men and women who have no relationships with their families for various reasons – sometimes its inevitable – so don’t let fear of losing them be the reason you don’t explore. Be brave. Be true to yourself before you marry a girl and have kids, because if you come out afterwards, you are impacting their lives, often in a very negative way. You’ll be hurting the people you love more than anything. I couldn’t be that selfish now, to come out and be gay. But I still don’t know If I am gay. So you’re 21. – JoE