Much has been written on the topic of being married (to a woman) and having a “relationship” with a man at the same time. To me, it all comes down to one’s ability to have sex with no emotions involved. Many married men engage into casual sex with strangers in order to avoid getting their emotions in the way. I tried for a while, but it didn’t work: if I am going to cheat on my wife and put my family at risk, it has to be worth it. I decided to seek for intimacy rather than sex. As it turns out, I can’t help “bonding” – in some way or another – with every man I have sex with. And oh, boy, it has been SO rewarding. I have received countless of after-sex messages telling me what a great time these men have had with me. I am not by any means good-looking or well endowed; sex is pretty standard with me: I think most of them have somehow felt the way I put my emotions into play every time I share my bed. I have made quite a lot of friends, most of them married: surprisingly (to me, at least), a handful of them have been willing to get into some sort of relationship. But after a couple of months almost all of them start having difficulties enjoying an emotional bond with a man and having a family at the same time. Why don’t I have those same issues? I do love my wife, deeply, and look forward to getting old at her side. My two girls have made me the happiest man on earth so many times. And yet, I have found myself able to harbour deep feelings towards another man, which, by the way, is the only way I can really enjoy sex with him. During the last four months or so, I have been dating this fifty-something y.o. man, with whom I have shared some of the happiest moments in my life. Of course it is not just sex (which is great, of course), but a deep connection at so many levels, based on the shared certainty that our families are the cornerstone of our lives. Moreover, both of us are willing to explore our masculinity in new ways, with physical intimacy as the basis for growth and development far beyond what we have experienced so far. And still, I can go back home and enjoy my family life. In fact, now I am feeling so happy with my male partner, that I have been able to enjoy my family even better than before. As long as I am not affecting my wife and girls in any meaningful way, I feel I can (and even must) follow this path of common development with this man I have been lucky enough to find. My therapist tells me I should somehow feel this “dissociation”…. I just don’t. I am not only the happiest, but the luckiest man on earth. – Roderick
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Roderick, your commentary on men’s relationships with other men really spoke to me. In the 30 years I’ve been a sexually active gay man, I have had the pleasure and great honour (Canadian spelling) of meeting and being intimate with many, many beautiful men.
I “came out” at the advanced age of 45, not knowing a thing about being “gay”. I made a point of getting to know men in all aspects of my life, in order to understand the psyche and the spirit of men. Each man I encountered was like a gift to me; beautiful wrapping, but what’s inside. Every man had a story to tell, of his joys and sorrows, of achievements and failures past and hopes and plans for the future, a heartfelt yearning for commiseration and belonging with his brothers.
Three decades and years of academic study later, I’m still as much in awe of the nature of men and their capacity for love in all its varieties. In my journey toward greater understanding and desire for brotherhood, I know I have brought many men along that path with me. I have learned so very much about life, through all these beautiful men. I have loved them all, and in their own way, they have all loved me.
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Thank You, Leo
Dear Roderick, your story is very much like mine. I am married but also need to find men to bond with. I have been lucky enough to do so with several during my life. These men are still very dear to me. I will never forget them. I have to add, I also remember with pleasure, sometimes with amusement, but never with embarrassment or regret, all of my one- or two-time encounters. Even with them, the sex has always been “holy,” a meeting with “God,” in the sense that these words are used on the HaPenis web site. For me, there is something about good sex with men that re-connects me every time it happens with “Man”-kind, my own kind, even if no lasting relationship with a particular individual has been formed.
Hi, Roderic. Nice to read your confession. Just to be clear, you wife is not aware of your other emotional life, is she?
Congrats brother Roderick.
You are freeing your soul.
One of our superpowers.
Honor and love yourself, the rest follows.
HaPenis to all.