I grew up in a time where I was a closet homosexual. That was what I called myself. I had a girlfriend, and I did the whole double life thing. I was a psychotherapist in the University Health Services, and they began to see that I was quite successful with people that were easily confused about sexual identity. So pretty soon, they gave me all the homosexual cases. They had no idea about my sexual orientation. I mean, this is in the therapeutic counsel, and at one point a young man who I had met, and who was staying at my apartment, I loaned him my car for the day, which was a rather distinctive car. He tried to pick up one of the psychiatrists, and it had a health service sticker on the back of the car, so I was called in by the head of the psychiatric services, who said, “Dick, one of your patients used your car.” I saw they were trying to protect me from the implications of that, and I said, “No, it wasn’t a patient. It was a fellow I was sleeping with. You have my resignation.” To their honor, they didn’t accept my resignation and instead they said, “No, you’re a very good therapist. Go ahead. Your sexual orientation is your own.” But that wasn’t true actually, I mean, the word spread through the whole community, and everybody acted differently to me. I mean, I know all the stuff that I think is also most of the stuff that I think most of you know too, but in my lifetime I’ve watched the whole game change tremendously to where groups like this can even meet. Allen Ginsberg is a very close friend of mine, and for a long time, because Allen was being very much publicly gay in his writings and his writing at work, I questioned whether that was my role too. I saw along the way, because of my drug history, that I was identified by many people as being a “druggie.” I began to see that every one of these roles and labels was both a way of having a feeling of comfort in a group identity, while also being a defining concept in my own mind. I see people who have labels in their mind of who I am. I found it a little too complicated to have any labels at all. Immediately, a person needs the label in their head to make the world more efficient, and I see that instead of reacting to that, by getting defensive or agreeing or disagreeing or something, I allow people’s projections to go through me like Chinese food. They come and go and I see them as their projections, and if they want to hold that model, that’s their business, not mine. Whatever I am, I just am, and from inside that allows me to be at home in the universe. Ram Dass
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I wish I’d had you as a therapist. I tried to fit my square peg (gay) into a round (heterosexual) hole – and to a degree quite literally. Being from a small Wisconsin town, growing up in the 60’s in a religious (I still am but some of my beliefs have changed a bit,), being opening queer in a very straight world was simply not an option. So I married a woman, have/had two sons, tried to lead a “regular” life. I kept a lid on it until the internet opened a number of sexual options and I took them. Long and short of it is I divorced her, lost that whole life, started another as a gay man, married my husband (who started his life same as mine) and now 10 years into it am happy. I’m living as I truly am. Wished I’d had the opportunity to be who I was and live it but alas – it wasn’t an option for me.
Wel done! Speaks to all of use who wrestle with being who we are and out struggles to find that place. I feel most of us fall short of finding who and what that is. Thanks for sharing
After reading your comment I thought of a post I read today in HaPenis. It seems like a good response to your posts so I’m going to re-post it here in case you didn’t see it. I hope it helps give you insight to yourself and other men in your position:
“I At the most basic level, no man was ever raised with encouragement to find another good man and settle down. When I was growing up homosexuality was a curse. Those brave enough to come out were rewarded with ridicule bordering on torture. It’s no surprise that most men would want to avoid that at all costs. It doesn’t get any easier as time goes by. I’m married and sneaking up on 60. Over the last 15 years I had many one time quick hook-ups, just a str8 guy getting a BJ…… then occasionally giving one back. I eventually I wanted a more convenient, permanent FWB. I found one. Now I’ve fallen head over heels in love with another married man. We’re both ready to come out but it still hasn’t happened. We’re deeply in love but for the time being we’re both “str8”.
Hi there i been in the closest all my life married many years been single now 10 years i have not come out dated here an there but still single i love gay sex but i limit myself just cant seem to move on
Michael, It is possible to be both – butt rare. Bisexual attraction takes many forms and there is sometimes a difference between romantic attachment and sexual preference which dont always go together. If you “love gay sex, but ….. just cant seem to move on” – you may have a romantic desire for women, butt get most sexual satisfaction from men. Not an easy thing to explain to that woman….! If society allowed, you may be both butt society seems to have a heap of other ideas for us all and doesn’t usually encourage those of us who sit on the fence. I wish you luck. Be true to yourself, the rest will follow. However, the comment “…but I limit myself…” is interesting – by that, do you mean you actively ration how much gay sex (which you “love”) you allow yourself…? Why on earth would you do that? Is that because you think society or other people wouldn’t approve? Is it their business? Why tell them? Find a good Doctor and get the right prescriptions and understand safe sex, and just try a month or so of not limiting yourself and see how that changes your perspective…. Sometimes the fear of something turns out to be bigger than the problem feared.
I’m exactly like you. I’ve spent a lot of free time in men’s rooms, parks ect. Had some dates that lasted for a while, just stay quiet.