I was 23 when I got married. This was before the internet, before being gay was acceptable. By the age of 23 I had a lot of heterosexual encounters. I knew I really liked fucking women, eating pussy. I could cum multiple time a night and not get tired of eating and fucking pussy. But when in NYC, in Greenwich Village, I had the opportunity to see gay porn magazine. I bought my first one at 20, it was a publication called First Hand, it was small enough to hide inside the pages of a standard size sports magazine and I would read it in the park, or on the subway, it was accounts of men’s first time having sex with other men. It made me hard as a rock. I bought it because seeing muscular good looking macho men on the cover of gay porn magazines made me aroused. When good looking men with prominent bulges gave me a double take on the street, I got hard. When I was in the gym, showering, I would sneak peeks at other guy’s dicks because I wanted to touch one and feel another man. Something about me made me interested in men as sex objects. I was 21 when I got my first blowjob from a man. He was about my age, on the subway late at night, as was I, and we were alone in the train car. He would look at me and rub his crotch as he sat with his legs spread. I was wearing nylon shorts and a T-shirt. I knew he was coming on to me and I wanted him to. I gathered up all my courage and went to stand in from of him, holding onto the rail above his head, the extension of my arms causing my shirt to ride up, exposing my abdomen and hair. He reached up and grab my half hard dick through my nylon shorts, no underwear. I was hard instantly. He took my cock out and into his mouth. I had been sucked many times by girls my age, but having a guy’s mouth engulf my entire dick made my head as well as my cock explode. I came instantly and he gulped and kept sucking until we pulled into the next stop. As soon as the doors chimed and opened I jumped out, desperate to get away from what I did, from what it meant. So you’re 21.
Was I gay? No because I was a certified heterosexual. But I sneaked-read gay porn and jerked off to it. I willingly let a man suck my cock on a train and couldn’t even control my instant pleasure. Was I gay? Almost 40 years late I still don’t know. I have had hundreds of sexual encounters with men – 2 so far this week. But I don’t feel emotional about men. I fall in love with women. I like sex with my wife, but it’s different than having sex with men. I feel closer and warmer after sex with my wife. It feels good. I can bask in that afterglow for hours. After I fuck a man’s ass or mouth, I put the gay me away, I don’t think about men for days, until I get horny again, and sometimes I try real hard to stop. I am friendly with gay men and know many in my profession, but they are annoying as fuck, the younger they are the more annoying their culture is. Straight men have been emasculated by society, gay young men are practically girls. I got married, have kids, I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for all the gold in the world. But I live with the fear of being found out. I live with the fear of catching an STD from a strange guy that I hook up with. I live with secret shame and anxiety. You are 21 – its a different world. Explore it and decide what you are. Embrace the gay if you are because now its normal. Your family will accept it or they won’t. I know dozens of straight men and women who have no relationships with their families for various reasons – sometimes its inevitable – so don’t let fear of losing them be the reason you don’t explore. Be brave. Be true to yourself before you marry a girl and have kids, because if you come out afterwards, you are impacting their lives, often in a very negative way. You’ll be hurting the people you love more than anything. I couldn’t be that selfish now, to come out and be gay. But I still don’t know If I am gay. So you’re 21. – JoE
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It sounds like insecurity a bit when he feels ashamed of being gay, of finding gay specifically people annoying, and I get that there’s flamers who can be over the top. But over all it just sounds like there’s a conflict in him that he can’t seem to resolve and it’s almost beginning to scare him, or frustrate him.
Dear JoE,
This is a great statement. So much detail, so much honesty, so much good writing. It is so damn interesting how varied our sex lives are! As far as “bisexuals” go (such a limp label for a complicated, vibrant sexual state of being that many men experience), I am fascinated by the differences between us. I too ABSOLUTELY adore sex with women (until maybe 5-10 years ago, when my orientation lost its bipolarity and centred on men), everything about it, but I never got men out of mind, never forgot my first love, who was an older boy at school. Maybe this deeply engrained, loving memory is why I have never had a fear of being “found out.” I think maybe the answer to your final question, am I gay, really doesn’t matter. Clearly, you have been yourself your whole life. So you are simply: “JoE.” Choosing to “come out” or live a “secret life,” or a semi-secret, don’t ask-don’t tell life as I have, is of course a matter of personal choice. In my view, the choice should be based on: (1) how it makes you feel about yourself; (2)and on how it affects the people who are dearest to you. It’s a pity that you, I, and so many others have had to worry about making the right decision with respect to number 2. Is it really what our wives and children will think of us when they know the “truth” that worries us? I doubt it. A very funny British film, “Death at a Funeral” (2007), which you can watch on Netflix, puts this anxiety to rest pretty amusingly. I think what we are really haunted by is the deeply engrained, cultural construction of what it means to be a “man” in contemporary Western society. That’s the definition that needs to be removed from our DNA and replaced with one that allows men to be “real” men, the way you and I are, not ones constructed according to the rules of our Judeo Christian culture.
Why either/or if human sexuality exists on a continuum? There are people who were in homosexual relationships for years and end up in heterosexual unions. Don’t constrain yourself. The label is not the important part: being yourself is. It would be best if you could be yourself truthfully and honestly, too, without running the risk of hurting someone else (girlfriend, wife).
Embrace who you are. Unless you are in a rural and homophobic milieu, you will probably find that people are more accepting than you think, not that it’s anyone else’s business.
I’m pretty much the same bi sexual. Was married. Became a sexless marriage. I accidentally discovered a crusing site then I started crusing I gave hand jobs and sucked other mens cocks and I enjoyed it. I had one experience when I was younger that made me think I was bisexual. I started buying gay mags to wank over. I liked older men who had big cocks and looked experienced..I had my cock sucked by another man in his car and I shot my load in his mouth it felt great. I live sucking another man’s cock but I don’t get any at present. I want gay sex before I have sex with a woman. I’m desperate for it. I obviously want to keep my gay side private. Feeling a man’s cock in my mouth is amazing to watch his face as I suck his dick and when I make him cum. I want to feel spunk on my face again.
“your 21”.
Human history before a warped “christianity” had europeans hating native people’s gays.
Native people always REVERED their “two spirit” people.
EVERYONE in society has a role.
Human history includes sex between men culturally and ceremonially just for starters!
IT WAS NEVER AN ISSUE until modern times.
Plato, Roman gladiators, Leaders who kept male concubines and sexual slaves. The Vikings, on and on.
Case closed.
Human beings are human beings.
Labels are for clothes.
You are perfect exactly as you are brother.
Joe, brother, you are you and you are perfect.
A man.
God-like.
You are brave enough to get what it is you need.
You are AOK, brother.