As a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, David Ledain searched in vain for a book to help him understand and cope with his situation. He longed to learn how other ordinary men living in modern Britain had come to terms with being gay, married and with children. Unable to find such a book, he quickly realised that he had to write the book himself. At the start of his journey, Ledain believed that he was completely unusual and the proportion of gay men married to women must be a tiny minority. Soon he concluded that gay men in heterosexual marriages is far more prevalent than most people imagine. In 2016, Ledain brought his research together in his book “Gay Dad”, which relates the experiences of 10 gay men from across differing social and demographic backgrounds, careers, ages and religions. While each man offers his unique life-story, the men share one principal commonality: each is a gay man who wrestled for many years with living in a predominantly heterosexual world.
In setting the context, Ledain also explores some wider questions around homosexuality, including what makes a man gay, what proportion of marriages involve gay men, what is the legal stance on homosexuality and divorce in the UK, and how do other cultures and religions view homosexuality. He even includes a brief glossary explaining some of the more popular gay terms and slang words. Subsequently, David Leiden has produced an updated edition of “Gay Dad”, as well as other books and guides exploring the history and practice of gay sex. Details are available on his website: https://davidledain.com/
I hear you loud and clear Hugh. That has indeed been my choice my whole life. What I tried to describe is a new feeling for me, one that has been getting stronger, maybe because as I reach the end of my life, whenever I have wonderful sex with a man, which happens only very rarely, my longing for “who I might have been” takes form in my imagination and I think about what it would be life to be “out.” I agree with you that a contemporary book on secret lives, one that explores the experience of and motivations for secrecy (and I don’t mean a present-day porn novel like “My Secret Life”), would be fascinating.
Perhaps encouraged by the growing gay culture, I detect an increasing pressure for homosexual and bisexual men to “come out”. But I suggest that “coming out” is not always necessary nor desirable. So much depends on a man’s personal circumstances, preferences and responsibilities. Especially for men who may be married, keeping their secret “in the closet” may be the best option for themselves, their wives and families. Both married and single men may be totally content with secrecy, while enjoying their hidden world of sexual thoughts, fantasies, masturbation and/or liaisons. Rather, the important point is for each man to be honest with himself about his sexual attractions and need for sexual expression. After weighing up the benefits and drawbacks, each man is entitled to make his own informed decision about whether divulging or keeping his secret is for the better. Just because a man is homosexual, “coming out” is not mandatory, and no shame is attached to keeping his secret to himself. Each man has his own individual path to walk and decisions to make. Indeed, deciding to remain “in the closet” might be the wiser, braver and more honourable option.
I just got a copy of Ledain’s book. I plan to read it carefully, but on first skim through, it looks wonderful. I have to tell you, I need this book now. I’m almost 80 and I’ve lived a double life, married to a women, “gay” in my practising sexuality since my fifties, homosexual since the day I was born. Every time I have really great, no let’s call it sublime sex with a man, I come away thinking, I need to be the man I have just been in bed with this amazing person. I’ve written a lot on this blog about how easy I’ve found it to lead “my secret life,” how meaningless labels are. Casual sex makes it easy to think this way. The times when I’ve really connected with a man who could be the love of my life, that’s when I want to be leading just one life, the real one, not two. It’s never to late to come out. That’s how I’m feeling at the moment. Thank you, David Ledain. Thank you, HugH.
Thanks for your comments and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Prompted by what you say, I have posted on this thread some reflections about deciding whether or not to come out.
Thinking about “Gay Dad”, I wonder about the book being presented too strongly from the perspective of men who decided to come out. For very valid reasons, many more men must decide to keep their homosexuality hidden. Instead of going public, many men must content themselves with masturbating over gay porn, or cruising for anonymous sex, or maintaining secret longer-term relationships. After weighing up the downsides of coming out, such men conclude that leading a secret life is the better option for them, their families and/or male partners.
I would like to find a book that deals primarily with the stories of men who have decided to keep their homosexuality hidden. I am sure that their life-stories and reasons for not coming out would be fascinating and educational. In many cases, staying secret would be shown to be the more difficult yet wiser choice.
I think this is so relevant to me I am married but am very attracted to men I enjoy having sex with a man over a woman the pleasure is so much more intense Thank you for this article
This data about gay men married to women is quite pertinent.
At the beginning of my sex life, the men I had relationships with were married to women and many had children!
Sometimes I asked them the reason for this double life, and some said: not to lose their “straight” status.
“Dad Gay” are men often seen as trophies by many gay men, as these guys are, when they are with other men, exclusive and do not cheat on their male partners!
Thanks Mr.Cox
Thanks David Ledain