The HaPenis Project

On the Midsummer solstice, the Vikings erected a huge phallus carved out of a log. They dressed it in leaves and flowers, and at its base they placed offerings of leftover grain and mead from the previous season – a sign of abundance of last year’s successful harvest. All attributed to Freyr, the god of cock, seed, and sun. They danced around the phallus, used it as an altar for marriage, and of course in the small hours of the celebration there were couples fornicating all about the place. Then came the Christian missionaries, and all but lost their shit at what they saw. Fornicating heathens everywhere! Over time they were able to convert the Vikings, but never able to make them abandon their favorite holiday. So in order for the conversation to happen at all, certain compromises hade to be made. They were only able to make the Vikings change the appearance of the phallus into something less obscene – a cross, dressed in leaves and flowers. This is a lasting practice in Scandinavia to this day.

It’s laughable and quite ironic that the Missionaries unwittingly made the Vikings exchange one phallic symbol for another. Unwittingly, because already at that time the true meaning of the cross had most likely been forgotten among the prudish Christians. The most hilarious thing is the Vikings probably still knew the true symbol of the cross, being direct descendants from the migrating Indo-Europeans, still upholding many of their beliefs and practices. Old Norse is even derived from Sanskrit. So the Vikings be like: ”…Err dance around a big cross instead of a cock? Yeah, ok sure!” Ben

Ben