Perhaps encouraged by the growing gay culture, I detect an increasing pressure for homosexual and bisexual men to “come out”. But I suggest that “coming out” is not always necessary nor desirable. So much depends on a man’s personal circumstances, preferences and responsibilities. Especially for men who may be married, keeping their secret “in the closet” may be the best option for themselves, their wives and families. Both married and single men may be totally content with secrecy, while enjoying their hidden world of sexual thoughts, fantasies, masturbation and/or liaisons. Rather, the important point is for each man to be honest with himself about his sexual attractions and need for sexual expression. After weighing up the benefits and drawbacks, each man is entitled to make his own informed decision about whether divulging or keeping his secret is for the better. Just because a man is homosexual, “coming out” is not mandatory, and no shame is attached to keeping his secret to himself. Each man has his own individual path to walk and decisions to make. Indeed, deciding to remain “in the closet” might be the wiser, braver and more honourable option. Hugh Braceland Header Image MM
I hear you loud and clear Hugh. That has indeed been my choice my whole life. What I tried to describe is a new feeling for me, one that has been getting stronger, maybe because as I reach the end of my life, whenever I have wonderful sex with a man, which happens only very rarely, my longing for “who I might have been” takes form in my imagination and I think about what it would be life to be “out.” I agree with you that a contemporary book on secret lives, one that explores the experience of and motivations for secrecy (and I don’t mean a present-day porn novel like “My Secret Life”), would be fascinating. AJ
Well said AJ. The whole “coming out” thing is societal propaganda by folks uncomfortable with others sexuality. No one can decide for anyone else what choices anyone should make. Period. As someone who has mostly been “out” in life I understand that is a life choice I made/make and involves no one else but me. In my experience, gay folks far too often thrown daggers at those they don’t understand. They do not understand that they do not need to understand anyone but themselves. Peace, love and HaPenis to all brothers. “outing” is aggressive, negative and shameful for any reason imo. MYOB is the best policy for true health and true HaPenis. And for my gay brothers, keep your daggers please and thank you. John N
From a conversation on Gay Dad – Images Tom Of Finland
And since this is a question that can never be resolved in a way that is right for all men everywhere, I strongly recommend you watch another great movie that offers a charming variation on the theme of coming out and the possibility of HaPenis and Godly masculinity in the context of military life. “Eismayer” (2022) is the story of a fierce drill sergeant in the Austrian army who is a closet gay. He has been “schwul” his whole life, he later tells his wife, sent off to military school where his parents hope they will make a “man” of him. In the words of the excellent review in the Guardian:
“Gerhard Liebmann is brilliant as Eismayer, a man with a face chiselled out of granite and a worrying-looking vein throbbing across his forehead. He lives as a straight man, married with a young son, but sneaks off to grab quickies with men in the backs of cars. At work he is feared; ‘Eismayer is a total psychopath,’ whispers one soldier. But then along comes recruit Mario (Luka Dimic), a gay soldier who refuses to be humiliated. There’s a terrific moment when Mario runs stark naked around the barracks, shouting: “Fairies never freeze, sergeant major sir!” Eismayer, who has lived his life in fear of exposure, cannot wrap his head around out and proud Mario.”
Charles Eismayer and Mario Falak, whose Bosnian ethnicity and use of Bosnian with his fellow Bosnian recruits, along with the Lippizaner-like elegance and precision of the military drills, give the movie a nostalgic, post-Hapsburg Empire feel, are real men, who actually did fall in love and get married while still in the Austrian army. There are photos of them — such handsome guys, so much in love! — in full dress uniform standing next to and kissing one other at the award ceremony of the 79th Venice International Film Festival, where the movie won the Critics’ Week Grand Prize. Several interviews with them both can be found online.
See the excellent trailer here: https://eismayer.com/.
And please watch “Eismayer,” either for free on YouTube in German or on ORF, the Austrian Broadcasting Corporation, between the hours of 20:00 and 6:00, where there are German subtitles to help you follow the dialog in Austrian German. Or go to Amazon Prime or Apple TV to see the movie subtitled in English.
Another story about a conflicted, dual identity that finds HaPenis in declaring to the world: “I am a homosexual!”
PS For me the best moment in the film comes when, after he is divorced but still struggling to come out and live openly with his true love, Mario, Charles visits with his little son. Charles opens with questions about school, his son’s teacher, etc. Then the little boy asks: “Why don’t you still love mummy?” “Who told you I don’t?!” “Mummy says you have a boy friend. My best friends at school are also all boys. I especially like Louis. He’s super? Daddy, what’s your best friend’s name?” It’s this conversation with his son that pushes Eismayer to start living life fully, openly, and only just as himself.
I think the central question facing all of us is to be the “I” that you really are. I just watched a great movie, Sebastian (2024), about a successful young writer who is also a sex worker. He writes about his experiences in the third person and tells his editors that his stories, wonderfully vivid and prize-winning, are based on interviews. His editor keeps urging him to write in the first person, to become the “I” of the narrator of his stories. His stories read as if he has experienced everything he describes himself. It is finally his repeated encounters with an older man, a literary scholar with whom he falls in love, who convinces him to write about, but also to lead, his own life as himself. The film ends as his first novel is received with acclaim.
“Sebastian” has the best depiction of lovemaking between an older and a younger man that I have seen so far in my search for the source of the “Daddy love” clip on our HaPenis site. The many other sex scenes in the movie as Max/Sebastian plies his trade are great but not outstanding.
But the very best thing about the movie for me is that it poses the question that keeps coming up over and over in our conversations with each other in the HaPenis Project: Who am “I”? So many of us are leading multiple lives.
Don’t you just want to be only who you really are, a homosexual man who loves having sex with men and maybe has found or is still searching for the man, the God, of his dreams? Don’t you long to act and speak and have sex and make love as just “I”?
Here’s the link for the trailer for “Sebastian”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMSJyMKcSw
It’s widely available for streaming.
Hello AJ, Thanks for all your contributions
Phalluster, Yes, of course not, thank you, I felt suddenly self-conscious about having an immortal libido inside my mortal body. But no need to!
Is this the Etienne you mean? These sculptures are very beautiful in any case!
https://www.artsper.com/at/zeitgenossische-kunstler/frankreich/11653/etienne
Coming out is an individual choice and I respect that.
Know this from experience.
I was out since a teenager openly dating other gay men but had a 1 and 1/2 affair with a married man. The gay sex was passionate and we always climaxed and shot our loads of love milk. He respected and admired me being openly gay and I respected him for wanting to keep the appearance of being str8 since he did have a wife and children. We were in love and admitted that if circumstances were different he would have wished to be gay married together. To this day I still miss his cock and cum
Well said AJ.
The whole “coming out” thing is societal propaganda by folks uncomfortable with others sexuality.
No one can decide for anyone else what choices anyone should make. Period.
As someone who has mostly been “out” in life I understand that is a life choice I made/make and involves no one else but me.
In my experience, gay folks far too often thrown daggers at those they don’t understand. They do not understand that they do not need to understand anyone but themselves.
Peace, love and HaPenis to all brothers.
“outing” is aggressive, negative and shameful for any reason imo. MYOB is the best policy for true health and true HaPenis.
And for my gay brothers, keep your daggers please and thank you.
I absolutely agree that each person should, and does, have the right to come out or not as long as they support all those who are making the same decision. I think of these closeted men hiding behind religion and oppressive politics who have the power to harm those who have chosen to live their lives openly and honestly. In other words, don’t be a hypocrite!
Look I m getting close to 75 within 2years and look like 40 and still get hit upon some guys who are 50 and above, told me it must be genetic
Beautiful prick, veiny and juicy. Looks like mine 😂
As inappropriate as it may seem to some of you, Tom of Finland’s images express precisely the totally raunchy impulses and fantasies that I feel at 79 on a daily basis, and even sometimes can indulge in bed. I’ve kept my dick pretty much in my pants my whole life, but the thought is occurring to me: Wouldn’t it be fun, even at my age, to let it all hang out? Fuck yeah! “Old age should burn and rave at close of day”!!
Good for you! Go for it, age is just a number after all.
I too am 79 and i am so horny all of the time, I am retired and spend a good amount of time looking at porn and playing with my nipples. I have a FWB my age and we get together once or twice a week and have long sessions of making love, showering, and sucking each other’s cock. Then we have late lunch. We do a little ass play as I bleed easily no real fucking but lots of frottage. I am immensely happy, happier than any other time. I did not come out to myself until I was 50 and never had sex with anyone until my 50th. The Catholic Religion did a job on me as it still tries to do but thankfully I broke those bonds and I love making my partner orgasm with me and vice versa. I am still a believer in Christ and trust that death and eternal life will be like those last few seconds before an orgasm comes to a rest.
AJ – I’m not sure why anyone on this site would find your enjoyment of Tom of Finland’s work inappropriate. I love his work, as well as the art of Etienne, which I m now having a HARD time finding a good link to.