“My Secret Life” is a captivating memoir written by an anonymous author using the pseudonym “Walter” during the Victorian era in England. Originally published in a private edition of eleven volumes starting around 1888, this massive work spans over one million words and 4,000 pages. While it suffers from disorganization and repetitive writing, it offers a unique and explicit perspective on the sexual experiences and development of its author during the Victorian period. The memoir is a valuable historical document, shedding light on the hidden aspects of Victorian life, including extensive descriptions of London’s houses of prostitution. “Walter” also explores unconventional topics, such as his fascination with women urinating, making it one of the earliest examples of omorashi fetishism in English literature. “My Secret Life” faced controversy throughout the 20th century due to its explicit content. It was frequently suppressed for obscenity, leading to legal battles and arrests. In 1966, an uncensored version was published in the United States by Grove Press, but it remained banned in the UK until 1995. “My Secret Life” is a unique and controversial Victorian memoir that provides insights into the sexual experiences and hidden aspects of Victorian society. Its explicit content, historical significance, and authorship mystery continue to intrigue readers and scholars alike.
From Chapter 28
We went into the bedroom together. She stayed in the sitting-room. “She is better there,” said he. “Let’s see your prick,” I said as, soon as I had a little overcome my tremor. He pulled it out, it looked small. I touched it with a sort of dislike. “Are you had of a bit of brown?” he asked. I did not understand and he explained. We always say a bit of brown among ourselves, and a cunts a bit of red.” I had a feeling of nausea, but went on. “Let’s frig you.” He took off all but his shirt, and seating him on my knee I began to frig him. He, questioned me whilst doing so had I been up a man? “No.” Then there was no pleasure like it. I frigged violently but his prick would not stand, I talked baudy and about women. He said a bit of brown is worth a hundred cunts.” I felt quite disconcerted, for his cock remained small and flabby. I had thought that talking about cunts would stiffen it The conversation, then led by him, took an arsehole turn. He asked me to let him feel my bumhole. I consented. In for a penny, in for a pound, I began to think. Taking down my trowsers, he looked at my bum, and his prick stood at the sight. “Is it viigin?” said he, and felt it. Then, standing by my side, my left arm round his waist to steady me, I frigged him, and the little bugger spent, but it was very little. I rushed to wash my hand.
When he had composed himself, he washed his tool, and became very curious about me, and most energetically felt my prick. “Put it up me,” said he. “I can’t, my prick won’t stand” ‘Shall I suck it?” “You?” “Yes.” “Do you do so?” “Lord yes, I have had it so thick in my mouth, that I’ve had to pick it out of my teeth with a toothpick.” I turned sick, but after a time I turned his arse towards me, and got my prick stiff by hard frigging, determined to try what buggery was like. But the moment I put it against his arsehole down it drooped. He was kneeling at the side of the bed. “Wet it well with your spittle,” said he, wetting his own hole. It was useless, and I desisted. “You will presently,” he remarked. But tho I tried again and again, determined to know, everything, and to do everything once in my life, it was useless.
Then he went to a drawer, and produced a small marble pestle such as chemists use, and asked me .to let him put it up my bum, extolling the pleasure I should have. “It must hurt,” I said. “Oh dear no, look.” Going to the side of the bed, he laid down, and sticking up his legs, shoved it up his own arsehole a little way. That only made me feel more sick, I was so unsophisticated in such matters. I expect he saw that, for he took it out But then he produced two more of different sizes, one quite a large one, and told me there was a friend he visited every week, who met him in his stables, and he put the larger one up his fundament. That man said it was not large enough to give him pleasure. “I put it up him to there” said the sodomite marking with his thumb the spot on the pestle. But the description made me feel more modest. “You should have the small one up first, I will do it for you, and I know such a sweet young man who would suck your prick at the same time if you would like.” “Oh, no .” “Do let me sod you,” said he all at once and quite affectionally, “I should so like to do it to you and take your virginity,” and he shook his prick, and frigged it a little. It was not stiff, and was very sharp pointed, but not at all a large one.
I was now quite flabbergasted. His coolness and his tale of picking his teeth free of semen, made me actually shudder. Then the pestles. Fancy two men together in a stable, one shoving a pestle up the other’s bum. How curious I thought, yet how abominable, it’s incredible. Yet still I felt curious. “Does it make him spend?” I asked, “His prick stands after I have worked it up and down in the brown for a while, then I go on gently, and suck his prick, till he spends,” he replied coolly. Again I frigged him, curious to see his emotions, and watched his face when with difficulty he spent slightly. But my cock would not stand. So I went into the room to Betsy, determined to try her cunt. She had been, she told me afterwards, looking thro, and listening at the door all the time. “Don’t come near me,” said she to the sod. After much ado she made my cock stand, I mounted her, and fucked, feeling his prick whilst I did so that either suggested itself to me, or he suggested it and it seemed to increase my pleasure.
Then as I rammed up Betsy’s cunt, I became conscious he was feeling me behind, and that his thumb or finger was intruding into my bum hole. “Feel her brown,” said he. I was in the height of my pleasure. “You beast,” said Betsy. Whether I obeyed his advice or not, I can’t say. I spent, and fetched her, and then we quickly parted. I gave him a sovereign, no more, and her two, before each other. They made no remark. I promised to see him again, but had no intention of doing so, and never did. I met her soon afterwards, and she was curious. “Did his arsehole seem large?” I was unable to tell her, disliked even to refer to yet my curiosity seemed unsatisfied and I had a sort of desire to learn more, yet a dislike to myself for desiring it. When she asked me if she should get him again, I refused point blank, yet all the time aching to try, and dissatisfied at not having put my prick up him, to see if it gave some unknown pleasure or not.
My Secret Life by Walter
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Is it now a matter of secrecy or privacy? If it is criminal it is a secret. If it is a matter of descretion to avoid unwelcome intrusion it is privacy. Visiting this site is of vital importance to me. Realizing that in 1995 what we are doing here, together, opening up, exploring, definining, contemplating what is best for us was criminal behavior provides some relief to the arduous task at hand. My journey has been filled with erections that up until a very short time ago brought alarm, fear or embarrasement. I’m autistic. I don’t have the slightest idea of how to find, develop and maintain friendships. Autism is debilitating but over the years I’ve come to realize it is a private life, not of my own choosing. This site has wiped away the isolation at a time in my life when I most needed it. As I read about other men who are searching for love from another man I am beginning to realize that I’m not the only one who has turned on the lights. Being bisexual isn’t all that surprising. I was loved by both an aunt and an uncle. My aunt’s touch was welcome and only ended when she died. My uncle’s touch ceased at an age long before I was able to recognize it’s importance to me. I’m not entirely disappointed that this chapter in my life is unfolding slowly. My erections are now a welcome opportunity to explore my own body in private. As for this book, being autistic, there is no group event, public or private no matter how appealing that I am able to be a part of. The excerpt from chapter 28 reminds me of how many times I’ve found myself in a place where I don’t belong. For me this site will be my window to look out at the many men who like me have spent their entire lives being busy with the never ending task of monetary survival. I don’t know where Seb is taking us but so far my exploration has been quite a bit more enjoyable than I had ever imagined it could be.
Dear Alan, I think this is a a profound and moving comment. I agree, privacy is essential. A right but also the basis of intimacy. I’m in the process of rereading “My Secret Life” so my comments are provisional, but so far I don’t read anything about “intimacy,” not that it isn’t possible in the encounters that are described, but in the sense that it’s not valued as such. What I mostly get a sense of so far is how “Walter’s” sexual enjoyment is based on class and gender privilege, masters dominating servants, men dominating women. Does this translate in any way into the dom/sub dynamic of our own current sexual encounters and relationships? Can we relate to one another, physically and emotional, without seeking to dominate or desiring to submit? Can we learn to be “versatile” in all of relationships with other human beings, in every sense?
Hi AJ, We’re on the same page. A very long time ago I realized that my wife and I are on a see-saw that requires constant attention to ensure that neither of us leaves the other either stranded in either the up or the down position. Our open relationship has it’s ups and downs but for the most part we’re somewhere in comfortable place enjoying every aspect of our intimate relationship. I’m glad you brought up the issue of dominance. I am as uncomfortable being dominated as I am being asked to dominate. I don’t know if it’s possible to meet a man who will understand what you are proposing. I hope I will but I’m not about to surrender my freedom to another man or woman. I do believe that like any other worthwhile relationship, truthful communication is the foundation. “Versatile” is a new thought for me. I tend to be rigid. Thanks so much for your reply.
Good morning AJ, The sheer excitement and strong arousal of seeing another man my age naked is beyond words. I recently was at a naturist facility located in a nature preserve. It’s the first time since I’ve started to actively pursue my interest in an intimate relationship with another man that I’ve been around naked men. I wanted to see if my curiosity was real. I went to the hot tub to have my morning coffee. Incredibly as I sat on the top step a man stood next to me so close that I didn’t have to be obvious about looking at his body. His penis and scrotum were eye level to mine. He was manscaped. His smile…his nipples…his penis…his scrotum…need I say more…a beautiful site. Later I told my wife who was thrilled that I had the opportunity to determine if I’m being authentic, not only to myself but to a potential lover. Our rule in our open marriage is that we don’t play around with love. It’s serious business to become attached to another human. What you pointed out about domination is really to the point, isn’t it? Sexual desire is stronger than any narcotic. Addiction to the wrong person or group of people is fatal. No one person can provide us with all of the intimacy that we crave. Beneath the desire and satisfaction of ejaculation is the reality that not everyone is a good choice. Looking beyond the physical attraction to clearly see the object of our desire and the practicality of an intimate relationship has become much simpler with a man than it has ever been with a woman. My first real opportunity to determine if I could in fact have sex with another man came while at a campground in a community where same sex relationships are generally accepted. My campsite was adjacent to a masseuse who catered to male gay cliental. We hit it off immediately and I was able to tell him that I was in the process of self-discovery. I was at the perfect place at a perfect time to be touched by a man who I was extremely attracted to. I was in the process of making an appointment when my wife showed up and together we entered his studio. It was immaculate. My wife gave me the look of approval. The masseuse and my wife hit it off. He was ecstatic to show both of us his hard work to create a safe place where men could pursue their deep desire to be intimate with another man. This mind numbing moment filled with both fear and sexual desire was interrupted and destroyed in an instant! Suddenly out of nowhere the masseuse’ boyfriend showed up, furious, absolutely livid. The masseuse withdrew and told me he couldn’t talk to me any longer. The next morning I spoke to the masseuse who told me his boyfriend is extremely jealous. Not about other men but about women and opposite sex couples. As it turns out the masseuse is bi-sexual. He was married with two children. His wife and his children fully accepted his interest in a same-sex lover. His boyfriend is a big deal in the behind the scenes movie industry. His boyfriend despises and is terrified of the masseuse’s wife and children. The masseuse is not allowed to have any contact with his former spouse or his children. His boyfriend is threatened to the point of what I recognized to be violence filled with homicidal thoughts of self-protection. So there you have it! Beneath what is apparent is a situation that may or may not be the fertile ground of domestic violence. Something I saw all too much of in my career. I was paid a hefty sum to do my job. I would no longer consider involving myself with a domestic dispute no matter what the benefit would be. Definitely not money. Definitely not sex. I’m glad Seb introduced us to this bloody book. LOL! A reminder to never again wander aimlessly through the sea of madness in any group of people, carelessly, haphazardly desiring love and intimacy. Church immediately comes to mind. LOL! AJ, I don’t know where you are at on your path but I sincerely appreciate your intellectual, thought provoking observations. Alan
Dear Alan,
Once again, I’m incredibly moved and impressed by the way you think, write and live your life. Your description of your encounter with the man standing so close to you that you could have taken his penis, his scrotum into your mouth, gives me shudders it’s so powerfully vivid and arousing. It is wonderful that you can talk to your wife about your attraction to men. I’m sure my wife knows about mine and knows that for five years when we lived in Singapore my lover, with whom I travelled all over Southeast Asia, was the husband of two of our best friends. But we don’t talk about it. It would be better if we did, I absolutely think that’s true. But we don’t. Although I agree with your beautifully put statements about love, sexual desire, the craving for intimacy that no one person can ever provide , and the danger of becoming addicted to the wrong relationship, I think I have other perspectives on these maters to offer you based on my own experiences. I don’t want you to think that I’m avoiding engaging in a serious way with what you have said, but to try to sum up what I think that I’ve learned from almost 30 years of hooking up with many, many men in some really weird situations as well as having ongoing, intimate, really loving relationships with two, I would say the following:
1. Relationships always involve taking big risks, whether it’s for a few hours or many years. Once you’re sure that it’s a man you want to lie in bed with, not to mention have a beer with or take a walk with, there are hundreds of ways things can go “wrong.” He’s a terrible kisser, or doesn’t want to kiss because he only does that with his wife. You can’t seem to find any kind of erogenous zone anywhere on his body, inside an orifice or out of one. Not even his cock responds to your touch. Oy vey! He wants to dominate, but is terrible at it. He’s too passive. On and on it goes.
2. And yet, I have been amazed at how, even for just a few minutes, it’s possible to connect with another man in a way that is memorable and which leads to a second or a third or many more meetings. It can happen in simple ways, like the way you look into each other’s eyes. I will never ever forget the married guy whose eyes were so greeny blue that I felt I was looking into the Adriatic. His kisses were made in heaven. We met up several times, then I moved away. But every time we met, we connected in little physical ways and in big ones (he loved for me to fuck him, which I didn’t and in fact physically couldn’t do with most men). We had real moments of intimacy with each other, in which we both felt deeply connected. Even though the connection broke when we parted, it resumed when we met the next time. And I imagine now that, even though we haven’t seen each other for years, the chemistry that made us feel connected years ago would still be there in some form or other. Which is not to say that we would necessarily want to have sex again (we’re both a lot older!). But I at least would experience a physical memory, a twinge of recognition, of how sweet our times were when were wrapped in each other’s arms, me looking into the Adriatic of his penetrating gaze.
3.Yes, I suppose you can become addicted to someone. But I wasn’t to that guy, or to anyone else. What I do know is that I have utterly adored the way some men smell or kiss or the way they act after making love with me, lounging there chatting about this or that with they cocks slung across their thighs, not to mention all the hundreds of memorable little physical things, the hairyness, smells of scrotums, the penises large and sometimes teeny, the nipples, the hands, etc. etc. that can be entrancingly endearing and which you find in one form or another in just about every man. Not all, but most.
3. So, am I talking about “love” here? Well, yes I am, but not a kind of love that has to dominate, penetrate every corner of someone else’s life and soul, not one that fixates on just one person. I’m talking about a love that is something you give to the men you want to give it to for the time you are with them and that you express to them in ways that make the experience of being together, for however briefly, something you both feel has made the anxiety and effort of hooking up really worthwhile if not memorable for a lifetime. Loving is giving, it’s yours to give even if it’s not reciprocated. But why not just give it. What do you have to lose? I sound like “An Affair to Remember” or whatever that Hollywood movie is called. But an “affair” is a concept you should think about. It’s a kind of relationship to which you give a lot of yourself, a lot of your love to, in which you discover real intimacy. And then you let it go.
4. Letting go is as important to real intimacy, to the kind of love that I’m talking about, as is looking for and then making a connection. You make mistakes. It’s risky always. Hit and miss. But then you connect. And it’s real. Never the same. There are many ways to be intimate just as there are to love.
I hope my rambling on like this hasn’t been too incoherent. I have much more to say so I hope our conversation has just begun! If I may end by making a comment about the story you tell at the end of your message about the masseur, that sounds pretty awful! But maybe you invested too much of your self in what you make sound like a make or break test of your ability to form a deep relationship with a man. The risk you took was TOO big and the situation got nasty . I’m hardly one to give you or anyone advice about how to connect with another man. But my experience has been this: hit and miss, never too invested but invested enough to make it all pretty scary, hit and SCORE, hit and miss, and then WOW this guy I want to be with truly and deeply and he makes me feel he wants that too, then you let it go, and it’s back to hit and miss, hit and miss … Am I making any sense?? I think one should travel travel lightly, ready to move one but also always ready to stay for as long as it might last. Permanence is not the same thing as love or intimacy. You can experience those last two emotions in a matter of minutes before they vanish and yet remember them forever.
Dear AJ, (Gasp)…let me take the time to relish this moment in my life with you for all of eternity… or at least until I have my morning shower LOL!… You have captured my imagination. Consider me aroused!
My open relationship with my wife requires honest communication. We were fortunate to establish the guidelines with a professional therapist associated with the Betty Ford Clinic. The two primary guidelines are STD testing with a new lover and avoiding any type of financial dependence. My wife’s current lover is a keeper! He’s discreet, appreciative and adores my wife. Anyone who adores my wife is my friend, so long as they abide by our therapist’s wisdom. We’ve had some strange experiences with the men in her life. The suprise micro penis, possessiveness, jealousy but for the most part, you are correct, all have become treasured memories. The advantages of a 26 year non-monogamous lifestyle far outweigh the universal petty behavior that accompanies what you refer to as the risks we take. Wife is all ears when I’m talking about a woman who I would like to be with. She is supportive of my interest in an intimate friendship with a man, BUT, she doesn’t want to talk about it, drear. Good grief, God knows I must talk about it…She’s passive aggressive and whenever I attempt to get her input about a subject she’s not interested in it’s similar to pulling a mule…She has a deep aversion to being sexual with another woman. When I bring up same-sex intimate relationships it shuts her down. I’ve given up attempting to share my enthusiasm about interacting with men for the purpose of love!! And then wah-lah, AJ comes to the rescue…I have this sneaking suspicion that Jesus understands and that I’m on a spiritual journey to reclaim what was ripped away from me when I was a child. I grew up in a family where incest was the norm. My deceased older brother was a closet gay who lived a dark lifestyle. He was extremely aggressive and made several attempts to dominate me that failed. Thankfully in the midst of the adolescent madness there was one chance encounter at a religious camp with a boy who I showered with, slept with, caressed and had oral sex with. Is there anything more desirable to suck on than a penis? (on this one point my wife is in complete agreement) My campmate and I didn’t kiss and my anus is a no-fly zone but the memory will always be there. Everything you’ve written is the guidance and communication I crave as I plot my course forward to interact with men. For me two things come to mind. Now that I’m purposely interacting with men I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I’ve made while looking for a female lover. I’ve been extremely deceptive with women unable to be truthful that my interest in them is purely sexual. I’ve made enemies with both men and women in the past. Due in large part to my autism. Often too direct. (What’s worse? Telling a woman she’s fuckable or telling a woman that the thought of fucking her is enough to consider castration? I’ve managed to say both, Yikes!!) I don’t read body or facial cues accurately and I need direct communication or I become bizarre and anxious. I am socially blind. My wife on the other hand is acutely aware of what is happening while socializing. Her instincts kick in about 10 years before mine do. LOL! You are the first man who I’ve corresponded with who makes sense and I feel a connection. Your writing is loving and descriptive providing me with the intellectual cues that I heavily rely on. Before I go on and on and on. I think having this conversation on Seb’s website is the best way for us to hopefully establish a memorable and perhaps lasting friendship. I imagine that we are being read by other men, sitting alone, nude, masturbating, longing to touch, smell and taste another man, without fear and apprehension. I’ve come to learn that it’s not uncommon for men who are living a straight lifestyle to enjoy edging and masturbating to gay-porn. Somewhere in one of Seb’s comments he mentioned the danger of believing everything we see on a porn video. So perhaps there are other men reading our spontaneous love letters who are having great pleasure while imagining the wonders of what you so vividly describe. I will treasure your letters and welcome your STRONG advice. If we laid eyes on each other perhaps the magic would quickly vanish. I’m not keen on sending nude pictures on a social media platform. Had my wife seen a picture of her micro-penis friend it would have at least avoided her disappointment and modified her expectations. She ended up having a fantastic friendship with what turned out to be a very kind, sincere man. I like all of the photos I see on Seb’s site. There are only a few who peak my interest. I’ve been told that older men are exabitionists looking for confirmation that they are beautiful and desirable. For me there is no need for that reassurance although acceptance of what we see is imperitive. I want to consider my sexuality with another man who feels what I feel, instintively. There have been far too many exhausting attempts to explain to a woman why it is that my penis gets hard and erect begging for attention when I see what I consider to be beautiful and arousing. Solosexual masturbation, ejaculation is not an experience a woman can readily understand and appreciate. In the meantime the pleasure of writing to you and reading about your life is extraordinarily and thrilling. Thank you! I’ll be sure to masturbate in the shower tomorrow morning as I often do, thinking about you, Singapore and your words of experience. After I ejaculate I will know my true feelings better than I do at the moment. When I cum,lights out! I love cumming inside my wife. I wonder if I would feel the same way with a man? After seeing the man whose scrotum beckoned my touch I masturbated later that night and felt absolutely no misgivings. Small steps forward AJ. Small, careful steps to attempt to avoid being hurt or hurting another tender heart. Lucky you by the way. Multiple male lovers, a supportive wife. I hope this ecstasy takes some of the pressure off our wives and at the same time provides hope to the other men who are looking for love in this very safe place where we’ve met.
Love, Alan
Dear Alan,
This magnificent symphony of beautiful thoughts and words deserves something approaching an equivalent response. An opera or a cantata (I’m a singer) at the very least! I will write you much more this evening. But for now: I am equally thankful to have found you to share experiences and thoughts with. We seem made for each other, who knows in how many ways (!), as HaPenis pen pals! (Is that OK, Seb?) You are very lucky to have a partner with whom you can be so open. I’m lucky that I have one who turns a blind eye, without any hint of resentment, to my (not entirely, I’ve told a few gay friends) secret carryings on (Is the “secrecy” part of the turn on for me? Possibly. A subject for another letter!). I’ve often imagined what it would be like to share a man with my darling wife and to be able to enjoy watching them make love while I kiss them both and put my face and nose and tongue up close to their deliciously wet and fragrant coital embraces. and be watched by her as I make love with him (in ways I’ll describe in another letter based on actual experiences!) and then make love to her while he licks my balls, etc. etc. and maybe even fucks my anus (not my favourite sex act I have to admit but I keep trying!).But I’m sure I’m right in saying she would simply not be interested. I wish she would find another lover, I’ve suggested several times that she must indeed have one already, but nope, not at all, not possible. And yet she knows I like men, have had male lovers. She would rather leave it at that. So, we’re different in that respect, you. and I. But alike in other ways I want to continue to find out about! Let me leave it here for now, Alan. Yes, I hope we can become very close “mates” in the Australian sense. Till later, Alan.
Love, AJ
PS Like you I’m enjoying being watched and overheard as we write to one another about our deepest desires and private experiences (Note to self: there’s more to say about this word “privacy.” What about being nude in public?! I love FKK beaches in Croatia! And I used to send videos of myself masturbating out to potential hookups on dating sites! Now not. Need to go to the gym first!). Clearly we need each other for this! And I hope this outpouring of “love letters” counts as permissible HaPenis! I’m perfectly happy for others to listen in and comment (What happened to my need for “privacy?? Maybe it’s not that great a need) . If we’re being boring, there are lots of other things to read and masturbate over on this wonderful site!
Dear AJ, I’m still laughing about your comments regarding the odor of a woman’s vagina. Wife is pleasant and sweet. Wife’s lover is a master par excellence at oral. She’s in heaven. My most recent one and done female lover was like the smell of clams at high tide. How do you avoid this noisomeness before getting intimate? How do you get a whiff beforehand? “Excuse me” “Not to be nosey, but may I stimulate your clitoris so I can smell before we proceed?” LOL! I do like the way I smell when I cum.I’ve never understood the mechanics of oral sex on a woman and it’s very frustrating. I imagine that oral sex with a man would be more enjoyable because I understand the areas of my own penis and scrotum so well. I tasted my cum and it was bitter. But wait there’s more… The one aspect of my gay brother that sticks in my memory is that he did a very poor job of cleaning up after a bowel movement. Gag me with a maggot on a gut wagon… I use flushable wipes if I can’t shower after I have a BM. It would be nice if I lived in an area where I could get an erotic massage from a quality facility where there are no relationship strings attached. Thanks for the lead on the movie. I’ll check it out. I come from a musical family. Croatia is awesome. Threesomes would be difficult for me. I’d consider being a spectator but I don’t triangulate as a general rule. The myth about men who allow their wives to have a lover is being cuckold, enjoying being humiliated. This is not the case for me. I started manscaping my pubic hair after a suggestion from an MD to perform frequent self-examinations of my genitals. I enjoy holding and squeezing my balls. The texture of my scrotum is awesome. A recent discovery is that I enjoy touching my nipples. Wife is kind enough to suck on them. I do wish I had started this self discovery sooner but at 75 I’ve found the motivation to continue to take care of my overall health. My buttocks are a lost cause. Atrophied long before I was aware of their demise. I’m circumcised. 6” when erect. My hair has gone the way of the buffalo, I keep it very short so as to not accentuate the areas that are completely bald. I’ve only met one man who I have wanted to sleep with. He is fit as a fiddle, very sweet to his wife and I get an instant erection whenever I see his pictures or read his infrequent emails. He is the first man that I truly fell in love with. He’s 67 years old and recently diagnosed with an extremely rare type of terminal skin cancer. He knows I love him but made it clear that he’s not attracted to men. Of course he’d like to fuck my wife’s brains out. I loved seeing him smitten while he sat naked while drooling at my wife lounging in the hot tub. I’m glad I told him I love him. I met a gay man while staying at a campground who I struck up a friendship with. He asked me to stop coming around because he thought I was being a “prick tease”. I didn’t find him attractive and was just enjoying the friendship. He was looking for a bottom and became annoyed with me. It seems to me that the difficulty finding a male lover is exactly the same as finding a female lover. Which is why I want my first encounter to be with someone like Seb. I want to be your friend. I want to read everything you care to write. I know I need a mentor and it would be nice if that turned out to be you.
Love,
Alan
Dear Alan,
I was thinking that since our conversation with each other was set in motion by Seb’s comment on and quotation from the Victorian novel “My Secret Life,” we should not get so wrapped up in ourselves as we begin to explore each other’s sexual experiences that we lose sight of the questions posed by Victorian writing about sex and what that has to with the readers of Seb’s blog generally, as well as ourselves.
So let’s look at another example of Victorian erotic writing and compare it to what Seb has given us to read about Walter and his “secret,” diffident, sexist, and openly homophobic sexual encounters. Here is a passage from another erotic classic from the Victorian era, “The Romance of Lust” (1873-76), which stars Charlie and his enormous cock! Charlie has sex with both women and men with equal gusto. I think it’s interesting to think about the difference between the way sex is described in the passage below and what we read in Seb’s excerpt from “My Secret Life”:
“In an instant we were both stark naked. We threw ourselves
into one another’s arms and lovingly kissed each other. Our
tongues met in a delicious sucking—our hands took each a
prick, and we had a most exciting and loving embrace. The
doctor then took my prick in his mouth, sucked it a little,
and well lubricated it with his saliva, spitting on the lower
part of the shaft and rubbing it round with his finger. He
then knelt, and presenting a really beautifully rounded
bottom of the fairest hue, he pushed it out, showing a light
brown corrugated bum-hole, most tempting to look at. He
desired me to wet it with my saliva. I stooped and applied
my mouth and tongue to the appetising morsel, and thrust
my tongue in as far as it would go—to his evident delight,
leaving it well moistened. I then brought my prick to the
entrance; he shoved his backside well out, and acted as if he
desired to void himself. A firm but slow pressure quickly
engulphed the knob. The doctor desired me to rest a
moment, and drop some spittle on the shaft. Again it was
firmly pushed forward, and gradually it won its way up, the
belly against the buttocks, without much flinching on the doctor’s part. After resting a while, he desired me to bend
forward and feel his cock while I should move backwards
and forwards in the sheath until I was relieved. I had a most
delicious fuck. The doctor’s bottom-hole was quite hot
internally. His pressures with the sphincter were exquisitely
delicious, and he had acquired the charming side wriggle so
exquisite in quim fucking. Of course this was an old letch of his, which his position as schoolmaster had given him so
many opportunities of indulging in, and the still greater
pleasure of initiating others in it. At this very moment he
was delighted with his delusion about me in that respect. Of
course I never undeceived him, and he had all the extra
delight of the idea. My younger and hotter passions had
made me spend before he could; so after indulging me in a
delicious soak after the ecstasy of the discharge, he drew
my attention to the rigidity of his own member, which, he
said, I must now allow him to allay in turn.
“Of course, my dear uncle, I am too sensible of your great
kindness in relieving me to hesitate about giving you the
same relief.”
I now withdrew. He rose for a mutual loving embrace, and
then I stooped, and taking his fine milk-white prick with its
lovely vermilion knob into my mouth, most deliciously
sucked it, making my tongue tickle the entrance to the
urethra, to his infinite delight. He murmured out soft terms
of endearment; then getting exceedingly lewd, he begged
me to kneel down as he had done. He then kissed and
gamahuched my bottom-hole, making my prick stand and
throb again with delight. Then spitting on his prick he quickly sheathed it in my glowing backside. After pausing
to enjoy the exquisite pleasure of complete insertion, he
stooped, and passing a hand round my belly laid hold of my
stiff-standing prick with one hand, while he gently pressed
the ballocks with the other. We then proceeded to active
measures. He soon made me spend, which I did with loud
cries of delight, giving him the most exquisite pleasure by
the pressures the act of spending made me exercise on his
pleased prick. He soon resumed his thrusts, and eventually
we both spent together in the most ecstatic joy.”
I picked this passage because several times you’ve expressed your revulsion (is that too strong a word?) at the idea of being fucked and at the same time wondered what it would be like to cum inside a man, whether it would feel as delicious as cumming inside a woman. And hovering over both these issues is the question of being naked and fully in contact with a man while having sex with him, how that feels and whether or not it involves a kind of intimacy or even love when the encounter is with an absolute or relative stranger. Does the passage above help us think through these questions?
The first comment I would venture is that, if you ignore the Victorian rhetorical turns of phrase and vocabulary, the description of sex between the “daddy” and the young Charlie is pretty gentle and I think appealing in its straightforward, physical description of anal intercourse between two men. There isn’t a hint of domination or submission by either participant. It’s very “mechanical” and impersonal to be sure, with no exploration of how the participants are feeling or what they are thinking while they are fucking. But it “gets down and dirty” in a real sort of way and makes me at least remember some of the sights and smells and sensations that I’ve experienced in similar encounters.
I’m left with the sense that these two characters are enjoying have sex with each other and that having sex with men is a natural thing to do. No one is inflicting pain. For the moment, they are absorbed in the pleasure they are giving one another. And being a “daddy” myself, I value the way the each partner in the encounter here is shown to respect the other, covered in spittle and sperm and reeking of bum odour. I don’t sense that these characters “love” one another, but they share a love of having good sex which together they are “creating”. The description helps me, at least, remember the feeling of huge pleasure in “making love,” actually creating that feeling of sexual pleasure followed by mutual gratitude, that sometimes occurs between men who have the right chemistry and the right skills, even in casual encounters Yes, skill, because a lot depends on knowing what to do. You need practice to have good sex, to become a good lover.
I wonder how you react when you read this passage. As I told you, I haven’t yet learned to enjoy being fucked but I haven’t stopped trying to learn. It takes practice. And, with the help of the elixir of immortal potency, Viagra, I definitely enjoy fucking men. The more beautiful the man, the sexier his bottom, the better the chemistry between us, the greater the pleasure I have felt in cuming inside him. Being up a bum is not like being inside a vagina, but it brings you inside another person and makes you feel at one with him for sure. With the right man, whose hygiene I can observe and whose word I trust, I also love to lick ass, really lick and slurp and poke my tongue as far into his hole as I can. Really a lot! And for someone to lick my balls and put his tongue far up my bum, that is also absolutely divine.
Which all adds up to one final comment about the passage I’ve quoted above. For me, it demonstrates overall the preferability of full-bodied, yes intimate sex with another man to any other kind of sex, be it with a woman or in partial form like getting a blow job or giving one. As for masturbation, which of course I do a lot, it’s what you do when you’re all alone. I repeat, alone. I love to play with my cock, which I think is very beautiful, and wank, an edge, and cum, but all that is nothing compared to getting down naked and sharing some dirty, raunchy sex with a sexy man.
thank you AJ, can you let me know where you got the quote from
Hi Seb,
I got it from vol. 2 of the “Romance of Lust,” pp. 160-63, which I downloaded from Wikipedia as a PDF.
Thank you, Seb, for posting the link to this novel about a “secret life.” I’ve read-skimmed it before, but since I’m super horny at the moment, I’m reading it again slowly. Which is how the narrative moves. We should all be experiencing and savouring our sexual experiences that way! And sad that so much of our sexual lives have to be kept secret! We’re still pretty Victorian. I’ve just re-read the chapter in the first volume about Walter’s discovery of smells, the smell of cunt before and after fucking, the smell of cum, etc., and I remembered another posting on HaPenis (your marvelous site!) extolling the need to fully appreciate the role that smell plays in our sexual relationships. I remember vividly the first time I at long last actually, with my very own naked body, went to bed with a very naked man and explored his body, smelling and licking, from ear to toe, mouth to anus, balls to armpit. I was ASTONISHED and continue to be by how delicious a man smells! Women don’t come close, and I say that having licked, fingered, and nosed a lot of very fragrant cunts. And I can’t begin here to discourse on the various unbelievable fragrances and tastes of sperm. So there, the secret is out!
Dear AJ, I think I might fall into the sapiosexual category.I believe Jesus is God. I believe God is Love. Jesus commanded us to love each other. Jesus commanded us to love those who offer us sanctuary and ourselves equally. I don’t think love can be institutionalized and myopically defined. I believe love between two people is unique and exists on its own merits regardless of what we believe. I have spent the entirety of my life trying to understand how to love others until I recently discovered that I forgot to love myself. Loving myself incompasses taking responsibility to take care of all aspects of my health. What more does a loving God have to do to encourage a man to masturbate? LOL!!! And in so doing enjoy loving himself. I hope your penis is erect while reading my words as mine is while writing these words to you. I hope your mind is focused on your erogenous zones. Brains do seem to enjoy the relaxation that accompanies a good erection. At some point in time I will want to see what you look like. Wife has pictures of me on FB. It won’t matter really other than to be realistic with each other to determine what we are capable of doing when it comes to the pleasure of loving each other. I I love to read personal letters. I like to write personal letters. Wife loves reading books. I prefer reading words written by someone who I have a personal relationship with. Wife enjoys reading my love letters but she doesn’t know how to write love letters. A missing piece in the mosaic of our relationship but not a deal breaker. Intellectual stimulation with a man who is capable of discussing his sexuality poetically, romantically with no need for overwhelming vulgarity is my goal. I would be a gentler man if I had stepped away from a culture that has little or no trouble idolizing men who kill other men. I don’t want a cock rammed down my throat. I have no interest in anal penetration. At the same time I have compersion for anyone who is being loved in a way that is best for them.
Dear Alan,
Yes loving yourself comes first. You can’t love another person if you don’t love yourself. I don’t believe Jesus is God but I did sing in a cathedral choir until I was 15 and believe that God dwelled in the music I sang. And now I think that sometimes God appears when I make love to a man. You are very good at writing letters. I would love for you to see what I look like, all of me, and I want to see all of you. And like you I am horrified by American culture (you are talking about America, aren’t you?), but pretty much everywhere I’ve travelled in the world during my life is full of violence. Violence has no role to play in sex, in my view; they are antithetical to one another. But sex needs passion. As for what you like, that’s for you to decide. There are so many options! xoxoxo
Dear AJ, Seb Cox was kind enough to comment on one of my posts in a thread regarding “gentlemen”
[August 24, 2023 at 7:46 pm
“Hello Alan, Wise words. I think the best advice I was given as a young man was about the people you surround yourself with. The advice was if they didn’t add up, you had to subtract them.”
Mr Cox]
I’m a little, okay let me rephrase it…not at all okay on second thought extremely reluctant to post a photo of myself on a public forum. I’m agoraphobic and do everything possible to stay away from any type of stage. You on the other hand are capable of being the center of attention while signing. I would enjoy watching you sing. I would enjoy swooning as a member of your audience unbeknownst to anyone but the two of us and my wife. Not exactly the threesome you desire but the symbolism of listening to you sing while being reminded of the pure notes that you have hit with me is fantastic. If there comes a time when I am able to send you a photograph on a private platform I’d take a stab at it. If you are horrified at what you see or if seeing you bursts my bubble at least I won’t have to be aware of the hundreds of eyes puking their guts out while looking at me, a 75 year old man who is well past his prime. I’m reasonably certain that regardless of your appearance you are not one of the men who I will subtract from my life. In fact I’m finding it increasingly difficult to have anything close to a personal conversation with a man, or a woman, who has an issue with same sex relationships. My longing for your friendship has more to do with learning to be a gentleman than the very pleasant thought of helping you cum. I sense your strength, your ability to be direct, your ability to be my confidant. Private. Not secret. I do hope you are being loved, by your wife and by anyone else who has the slightest inkling of how important it is for us men to touch each other, deeply, from the heart.
Love,
Alan
Dear Alan,
I’m 78. You can’t surprise me with how you look because I will look at and appreciate you as you are. Of course I get off on younger bodies. My long term partners have been 30 years younger than I am. But I can tell you honestly: I’m getting hard as I stand on a path by the river that flows through my city thinking of being naked with you, outside somewhere lying on the grass or a beach, in the sun.
Three years older. I prefer older men. That’s a good age difference. I’m glad the thought of being with me makes you hard. Same for me. But paranoia=flaccid. LOL!!The AANR (American Association of Nude Recreation) guidelines are clear. No PDA and no sexual activity outdoors. So. Now this brings up another issue. You mentioned it earlier. An issue I’ve been wondering about since I started enjoying seeing all of the happy faces on all of the naked aroused men on this website. Here’s the question. Are voyeurism and exhibitionism key elements? Remember this question is coming from an autistic perspective. I don’t have the desire and in fact I’m terrified of attracting attention, especially in a public place. It’s a type of paranoia that only another autistic person would understand. So for me it would be fondling and oral sex in a tent on the banks of a remote area in British Columbia. Far enough away from the US where I am literally caught between a rock and a hard place. British Columbia is a safe, civilized place where outside nudity is allowed and where the sight of a couple of older naked men hiking or cycling together would only bring a smile of whimsy. The age issue is a big one. I don’t know about you but I’ve noticed how quickly men our age fail both physically and mentally. The thought of being dependent on wife or a stranger to administer medical care and restrict my movements is appalling. The hope is that I meet another married man who both loves his wife and me. A man who prefers physical activity in nature and sexual gratification as opposed to being drunk and obese to numb his mind. It would seem that your and my purpose together is to provide each other with the stimulation we require to continue to hope that if we take reasonably good care of ourselves we will be fit enough to take advantage of any opportunity that comes along to love another man. Frequent masturbation has been proven to stimulate the reproduction of healthy brain cells in an area where men’s brains especially shrivel and dry up. So masturbating while corresponding with an intellectual brain is awesome!!! No need for the salutation. Hopefully the sentiment is obvious.
Dear Alan,
You write very clearly and precisely. So impressive! And I mean it as a compliment when I say that the author of “My Secret Life” is similarly careful to choose his words very carefully. I wonder if he was autistic, I don’t think he liked being observed. But to your question. I think some people like being looked at and looking back at others when they are naked in the open, and some don’t. I think I probably do, probably because naked male bodies (not female one’s particularly), young and old, fat and thin, turn me on and probably because I like my own body, even at my age after a not particularly athletic life. But I’d happily take my clothes off and walk through a forest or jump in the Adriatic all by myself (just been doing that), with nobody looking. I don’t want to have sex in the open with an audience. Not in the slightest. A threesome, though, which does involve one observer-participant is different. That turns me on. The US is a problem in just about every way I can think of, including the attitude and legal prohibition on public nudity. So boring! I will never go live in the US again. As for getting old and infirm, It’s going to happen to both of us, barring a heart attack or slipping off a cliff. I wish for either of those last two alternatives. But I’m not worrying about it. Seize the day! xoxoxo
Dude, I got some guidance from Seb on how to move our conversation to a safe, secure place. Let me know if you’re interested.
Yes very!
Seb suggested that you contact me at an anonymous email account. Here it is. overallexperiment@proton.me
Thanks for “the hotel room” Seb! You’fre the best!
good luck on your sacred journey
Oh those Victorian days.
That was fascinating! Interesting to see all the different types of words used. Doesn’t sound at all erotic though ! The men in the stable seemed to be the ones having all the fun 😀