A Plateau of Sorts

Is it silly that I’ll be turning 37 in a few days, yet I’m going through a “mid-life crisis” of sorts, contemplating all of the age-related stuff mentioned above? I feel like I’m too young to be thinking like that. And yet I am. As women discuss their biological ticking clock for childbearing age, as a gay man, I feel something similar with my sex drive. It will likely never die, and I plan on fucking til I die. Please. Haha. Buuuuuuut, some stuff has happened, and now I’m at a weird impasse. A plateau of sorts. I understand times change; COVID happened, blah blah blah. But nobody in my life or who was in my life has become a hermit! …“Way back”, in 2017, I decided to really “own” my sexuality. Not that I never did. But I made a concerted effort to be more SEXUALLY ACTIVE. All within reason, etc., but I wanted the real thing. I had been in a relationship from age 20-28!! It was my time after the breakup. I wanted to bottom again, as I was a top in the partnership, and we lived together. I wanted friends with benefits who would fuck raw, creampies, golden showers straight down my throat, some toys, maybe a DP if it were to be arranged, and… well, I’d say those main things. Haha! It’s all down to a few key situations out of my control; a change of scenery, a forced move due to unforeseen circumstances, farther away from the “gayborhood” I lived in for over ten years & LOVED. Obviously it was easy to meet guys. I feel I’ll never get my love life and sex life back. Which is stupid, as there are gays all over, I know.. I know. It’s a culture shock right now. I had to move from there after quarantine, and change jobs, no more gym or yoga across the street… it’s a lot at once. And that’s just my stuff. That’s not counting the fact that now, nobody really speaks to me because I’m what, 15 minutes drive now instead of five?! Wow.

I’ve sort of lost all of my close friends, and “friends w benefits”. And it’s stupid, pointless, to have to be like this. No drama before. Now suddenly, Excuses, left & right. People are making me end up avoiding any contact, because one gets weary of being denied by those who previously were the opposite of that! How long do the excuses continue for? If you want me, come and get me; you already know the drill, dude. And you know how I feel already. I just get irritated, and hurt, when they say they “want to” see me… Oh, but somehow only have time to tell me “I’m busy working.” Right. I’m not trying to go with you to your fkn job man. Tbh, if it’s not about us meeting up to hang out or something, spare me. Lol. Is that crazy, I don’t care. Bc then, when they’re actually free, I get no word. I’m dead to them apparently. Some friends I haven’t physically seen since 2021, 2020, even before that. It’s B.S. And I’ve known some of these guys since I was 18! No reason to let it go.. there wasn’t even any beef between us, until the flaking. If that’s “clingy” I don’t care. I don’t like my time (or years) being wasted, let alone someone else’s. Even just on a friend-zone level. Yes ppl change but it’s bull. Sorry. Tangent. But I feel 36-37 is a prime age for a gay man. I loved my sex life thus far! The thirties were like my new twenties. Just not since COVID! – Erik