Thank you both, for these words. I realised long ago that no matter how hard I tried, not to be me, that I would never fit into the scene. I have no idea if this is a gay ‘thing’ but from the outside looking in the obsessions about sex, the body beautiful or superficial point scoring always set the bar too high. I have Spina Bifida, not severely, but enough to have left my body with plenty of surgical scarring, a wonky walk and complications with my waterworks.
Meeting guys on line fills me with terror because eventually there will have to be the big reveal – which has gone horribly wrong a number of times. So as I’ve resigned myself to being alone, I figured I’d better start liking myself and finding out what is important to me. Exploring my spirituality, more recently Buddhism and especially chanting has helped me discover I have a place in this world. I have a choice; to either engage fully with life or withdraw from it. I’ve chosen to explore and enjoy. The big, fabulous gay scene that I was so desperate to be part of; I can now see, is a pretty shallow and restricting masquerade. Instead of trying to live a life, I’m now actually living it. Thanks Mr Cox, I shall look into that MR Mas.