i’m a straight guy. you know what that means, right?
i only have sex with other straight guys. no kissing,
no cuddling, no last names, me on top. always. second
point: i’m celibate. you know what that means, right?
i only have sex with other celibates. i won’t wear a
condom, and consider a request to do so an insult.
after all, i’m disease-free! you all know what that
means, right? i only have sex with other guys who
claim to be disease-free. and you must be white,
like really really extra super totally white:
blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin, no freckles
or moles, with extensive paperwork proving
beyond a reasonable doubt that you are of
exclusively anglo/northern european genetic
extraction. no jews, turks, gypsies, kurds,
asians, arabs, subcontinental indians, eskimos,
native americans, south americans, blacks, mullatos,
octaroons, or anyone with an accent or suntan will be
considered for this exciting position. and no longhairs,
potsmokers, or vegetarians, and no communists, left-handed
people, freaks or drag queens, damnit. i just turned 25…
you must be under 26 [i’m not looking for a dad!] and you
must of course be at least 24 years old [i don’t want to
babysit your white ass, even if it is straight, celibate,
and disease-free] also: you must be a republican and a
christian fundamentalist! please be a nonsmoker, who
doesn’t mind if i chew tobacco while making sweet
lust to you.
i can’t tell you what i look like, or provide a photo
of myself, because i’m a closeted straight guy, and if
somebody put two and two together, and my wife found
out i was straight, boy would the shit hit the fan. why, if
my kids knew i was straight, they’d never be able to show
their faces outside the house. obviously you must be able
to host, and i expect you to give me your address or pay
for a hotel without ever talking on the phone or seeing
my pic. hey, like i said, i’m VGL. [and straight!] why
would you want a pic? or to know my height or weight?
you’ve never seen a celibate VGL straight guy before?